Overcoming Preoccupation with Negative Self Talk and Failures
I spent time last Saturday preoccupied with my failings from the week. Over and over I processed frustration with myself for the way I’d responded to a few questions in a radio interview I’d done. You should have prepared more. Why did you say that? How did you forget to say that?
Are you ever preoccupied with frustrations and fear of failure? The accusing thoughts and negative self talk can be relentless.
The day after the radio interview, I said something insensitive (and confusing) in a meeting. The meeting was coming to a close, my mind was swirling with thoughts, I felt agitated, and the words just came out of my mouth. As soon as I finished, I saw people look at their phones. Time was up. Meeting over. No chance to explain or get feedback. You knew better. Why couldn’t you have just kept your mouth shut? That didn’t even make sense.
In both of those situations, I was blaming myself. But I can just as easily become preoccupied over my frustrations with someone else’s failing.
Recently, I observed one of my kids falling into this same trap. He was so concerned with his win-loss record in his favorite sport that repeatedly, over several days, he rehashed it: I should have won that match.
In his preoccupation, I saw myself.
How to Release Preoccupation with Failure
A few years ago, I wrote about how sports psychologists coach athletes through performance anxiety. I’ve been practicing my own version of this method since then. It’s been very helpful.
The concept is to view your thoughts as if they’re flowing through your mind like a river. As specific thoughts surface — like Why did I say that!? — you don’t suppress or ignore the thought; you focus on it and then decide what to do with it. (Notice you’re in control here, not the thought.) Sports psychologists might say, let the draining thoughts continue to travel on down the river. Commit to the energizing thoughts.
Hurling Unproductive Thoughts Away
This metaphor for addressing my thinking has been so helpful that I’ve taken it a step further. When the draining, unproductive thought comes, I physically grab it with my hand (imagine me grabbing the air in front of my face), and I hurl it out of the river (imagine me throwing my hand out and above my head and releasing my hand). It might sound silly, but it really works for me. Got to keep that river clean!
Sometimes, I have to do it multiple times for a similar thought. It’s as though I have a tree of draining thoughts around a topic, and it keeps dropping leaves in the river. Only a significant perspective-changing event will cut down the tree — like a vacation or a big change. Until something like that happens, I just have to keep plucking the leaves out of the river, waiting for the tree to die.
Why does this act of hurling invisible thoughts work? It’s called embodied cognition — the fact that your body influences your mind. It’s why we gesture when we talk, and it’s why standing tall makes us feel powerful. It’s a useful reminder when it comes to keeping our mental rivers clean.
Try it. The next time you’re preoccupied with failings and frustrations, don’t ignore or suppress those thoughts. Instead, see them floating down a river, grab them, and hurl them away.
What failings are preoccupying you right now? And how are you overcoming them?
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