The Trending Skill Area That Everyone Needs to Develop
I work closely with a company that designs and manufactures expensive boats. One of their long-time customers, a large boat dealer, asked for a meeting with them to discuss boat design improvements they believe are needed to sell more boats. The dealer has a long pattern of harsh criticism and negativity. At the same time, much of their feedback is helpful, and they sell a lot of boats.
The big challenge for the CEO and head of engineering was how effective they would be in handling the meeting. Could they make the most of the dealer’s feedback, while improving the relationship with the dealer, while also managing their own anxiety and integrity?
A high-stakes meeting like this relies on the ability to perform a series of small, concrete actions well — actions that have very little to do with the skills needed to design or manufacture boats.
You might have heard these small, concrete actions referred to as either durable skills, character skills, soft skills (actually “harder” skills), or social skills.
New York Times columnist and author David Brooks wrote a phenomenal book last year explaining why these skills are so important today. In it, Brooks observes:
People need social skills. We talk about the importance of “relationships,” “community,” “friendship,” “social connection,” but these words are too abstract. The real act of, say, building a friendship or creating a community involves performing a series of small, concrete social actions well: disagreeing without poisoning the relationship; revealing vulnerability at the appropriate pace; being a good listener; knowing how to end a conversation gracefully; knowing how to ask for and offer forgiveness; knowing how to let someone down without breaking their heart; knowing how to sit with someone who is suffering; knowing how to host a gathering where everyone feels embraced; knowing how to see things from another’s point of view.
I have become increasingly convinced of: a) the importance of giving others the kind of rich attention they desire, b) the difficulty in knowing how to do that well, and c) the lack of support we give ourselves and others to learn to do it better.
This applies to everyone.
It applies to you, to me, to our colleagues, to our family, to our children, to our politicians, to our athletes…to everyone.
So, what do we do?
Join the movement of people recommitting to improving the small, concrete actions — in themselves and others — that lead to more meaningful and productive relationships.
For example, if someone whom you value is giving you sharp, negative criticism, you might take the following small, concrete actions:
- Breathe and keep your attitude positive.
- Thank the person for their honesty and input in a warm tone.
- Repeat back the essence of their criticism to show you heard it.
- Accept personal responsibility while not over-apologizing.
- Ask genuinely curious questions, including follow-up questions to really understand.
- Resist the temptation to jump quickly to a defense, solution, or answer.
- Offer a humble, yet confident, perspective on potential ideas and next steps.
Join the leaders at the boat company who are working on skills like this!
I had the opportunity to debrief the difficult dealer meeting with the head of engineering at the boat company last week. He told me that he went into the meeting more thoughtful about his approach to the relationship. He said he was “less defensive, more curious, and more ready to innovate” than he had been after meetings with this dealer in the past.
The results of these small, concrete actions?
The dealer apologized for being negative and said she’d work on her tone. The engineering leader gained valuable insights that he’s taking back to his team. And the CEO thought the engineering leader showed his ability to manage difficult, high-stakes meetings, solidifying his future succession into company-wide leadership roles.
That’s all. No press release. Just one of several meetings like this that happen every week.
Will you join the movement to more effectively perform these small, concrete actions?
