How to Manage Negative Emotions by Managing Your Mind
Several years ago, I went to see a prominent psychologist. I’d been having persistent stomach aches, shortness of breath, difficulty swallowing, and sharp pains in my head. My doctor said I was healthy. Nothing was wrong with my body. What could be the problem, I wondered. After ten minutes and a few questions, the psychologist told me I needed a workbook called Mind Over Mood.
He was right.
The workbook uses a cognitive therapy framework, which is different from a Freudian or family-origin approach to psychoanalysis. Because moods like anger, sadness, fear, anxiety, guilt, and shame release hormones and toxins that create physical stress, it starts by asking you to reflect on your moods that are triggering physiological responses in your body.
What Happens When We Hide Negative Emotions
I’d kept my moods pretty well-hidden. To my co-workers, friends, and family, I seemed happy, optimistic, and confident. But that wasn’t how I often felt when no one was looking. I was anxious and afraid.
Getting honest and clear about your emotions invites the next question: What thoughts are prompting these emotions? For me, they went like this:
- What if I fail?
- I don’t know if I have what it takes.
- What does the future hold?
Those thoughts were relentless. They were constant. They were accusations and threats. They came at me on my walk to work, at my desk, in meetings, and in bed. And they seemed like reasonable questions that deserved answers. So, I let them come, hoping I’d sort out a clearer answer each time, not realizing they were wrecking my body. The workbook opened my eyes to these thoughts — and what to do with them.
You see, up to this point, I assumed my only options were: ignore them (not possible), ruminate on them, believe them, or simply replace them with positive thoughts. But as Mind Over Mood revealed, the problem with those options is that “when we feel intense moods, we’re more likely to distort, discount or disregard information that contradicts our moods and beliefs.”
How do you change the thoughts that prompt the moods that trigger the feelings in your body?
Get Curious About Your Negative Emotions
Get curious about the thoughts. Say to yourself, “I’m having these thoughts. That’s part of being human. Where are they coming from? And what else might be true??
Here are some examples of thoughts, along with a helpful curiosity-question:
- Thought: I’m so overwhelmed with what I have to get done.
- Curiosity: What is truly important right now?
- Thought: Am I failing?
- Curiosity: Where does my value come from?
- Thought: I don’t think I can do this.
- Curiosity: What challenges have I overcome in the past?
- Thought: What if something happens to me or my family?
- Curiosity: What sources of strength and support do I and my family have?
- Thought: What if people think I’m not good enough?
- Curiosity: What strengths do I have?
These are just examples of thoughts you may be having, along with one approach to being curious about that thought. It doesn’t reject or accept the thought. It just challenges you to see a fuller picture of reality.
As you move into a new school year, a new season, or other changes in your life, be curious. Ask yourself non-judgmental questions about your body, your mood, and your thoughts. Ask this about your thoughts: What is the true and full picture of reality? When you do, your thoughts may become more balanced, your mood may improve, and your body will thank you.
For more references from Mind Over Mood, check out this post on anxiety I wrote four years ago when I was feeling particularly stressed and overwhelmed. It’s part of being human.
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