Humility in Leadership: Being Empathetic Even When You’re Hurt
At various times this week, I felt dismissed, ignored, unappreciated, and criticized. None were dramatic events, just hurtful. And it was like any week: the normal reality of living, working, and relating with other human beings. Get too close, and we hurt each other. This week, though, something was different: I was more aware of the person who hurt me. It was clear that hurt people hurt people.
One situation I remember particularly well. A friend of mine had a difficult week—heavy workload and hard conversations. He was frayed and I listened with empathy. This made me somewhat proud and self-congratulatory of “being there” for him, which emboldened me to share something I had done that week for work.
As I started to share it with him, he got distracted. “I want to hear more about that,” he said. But he got busy and never followed up. And I felt hurt. The line in my head went something like this: I’ve worked hard to listen to you, now you’re so self-absorbed that you don’t care about me.
Then my thoughts shifted. I wondered what it must be like to have had the week he had. I thought about the pressures I’d be feeling. It occurred to me that this friend’s strengths are Maximizer and Responsibility. His measure is excellence, not average. And he can’t bear the thought of letting people down at work. His workload and difficult conversations this week have really challenged those strengths. He’s feeling worn, off balance, and beat up. No wonder he treated me this way.
So instead of feeling angry or sorry for myself, I relaxed, took a deep breath, and stayed present.
It’s so hard, isn’t it…to not be offended, put off, annoyed, or resentful?
I remember the minister that officiated our wedding challenging us to beware of “what-about-me” thinking. He wasn’t recommending passivity, ignorance, or lack of boundaries. He was advocating an others-orientation that doesn’t require others to reciprocate. Because, let’s face it, a quid pro quo relationship will usually blow up after someone’s been tired, busy, anxious, or empty for a while. Hurt people eventually hurt people. And, as R.E.M. sang, everybody hurts.
What to Do When You’re Hurt by Someone
Consider the first principle in the greatest book on human relations, How to Win Friends and Influence People: Don’t Criticize, Condemn, or Complain. It’s the first principle because it’s the starting point for maintaining strong relationships with hurting human beings. Rather than jumping to criticism (What about me!? I’m hurt! What a jerk! How could you say that!?), start by considering the person who hurt you. Ask yourself:
- What kind of week might they be having?
- How are they feeling right now?
- What are this person’s personality tendencies?
- How has this person’s life experiences shaped their actions?
- What might be behind this person’s behavior?
Then consider telling yourself: This isn’t about me. Their behavior is more a reflection of them than me.
Finally, stop feeling angry or sorry for yourself, relax, take a deep breath, and stay present.
Again, this isn’t about passivity, ignorance, or lack of boundaries. Sometimes people need to be confronted, wrongs righted, and separation established. Some hurts reach the frequency or magnitude that justify taking a stand and calling it out.
But most “hurts” in human relationships don’t need to be criticized. Most hurting people don’t need to be condemned. Most wounds don’t really justify a complaint, if we would only put them in perspective. If we would only appreciate the world through the perspective of another.
You see, most of the judgments we place on others are a matter of perception. From our angle, we’ve been dismissed, ignored, underappreciated, or criticized. But from their angle…well, if we’d only take a moment to reflect on what they’re experiencing.
Who’s hurting you right now?
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