Five Steps to Dealing with Someone’s Unwanted Behavior
On January 18, SpaceX launched its Falcon 9 rocket with four crew members to the International Space Station. It’s another successful mission for SpaceX. Behind its explosive growth, of course, is the sometimes volatile CEO Elon Musk whose tirades are well documented in Walter Isaacson’s biography and elsewhere.
Isaacson also describes the numerous people who clash or crumble under the weight of Musk’s personality. There is at least one leader, in particular, though, who’s an exception. Gwynne Shotwell has worked very well with Elon for over 20 years, according to Isaacson, and hasn’t clashed or crumbled even when she receives unwanted messages from him or disagrees with his choices.
Instead of criticizing, clashing crumbling, she coaches.
Many of us in the new year could improve our ability to coach rather than criticize, clash or crumble.
Criticism and clashing usually cause others to deflect or defend, which leads to resentment and frustration. Crumbling, meanwhile, leads to unbalanced power dynamics, unheard voices and lack of trust in relationships.
To avoid these unhealthy patterns, let’s consider these five important steps to work more effectively with the Elons in your life…or even just the moments when you’re tempted to criticize, clash or crumble:
- Remain a non-anxious presence. When things get tense or when you’re frustrated, start by holding onto yourself. In other words, don’t start getting smaller or bigger in your own mind. Breathe, relax the tension in your body and remind yourself that your self-worth doesn’t derive from this person or this result.
- Stay in it. Have you ever found yourself resigning or acquiescing just to get out of the discomfort? “Fine, we can do it that way. Whatever you think.” I’ve been there. And sometimes you do need to call a timeout, take a break or set a boundary; however, many times we just don’t stay fully present in meetings and conversations because it seems too hard. Resist the temptation to escape, avoid or shrink back.
- Focus on the upside. People don’t like to feel bad about themselves and will self-protect if they are feeling blamed, judged or deemed incompetent in something. Show the other person the opportunity to do something well versus the thing they did poorly, and make sure to empower them to do the next right thing: “You’re capable of something even better here.”
- Cue what you want to see. Rather than telling someone what you think they should do, try to nudge, prompt, or subtly suggest. This feels less controlling and less invasive. The key is to do it in a gentle, caring way, not a condescending way: “Say more.” “What do you want to see?” “Show them how much you care about them.” “Have you considered this…?” “Take a moment to reset.”
- Reinforce positives. If you see someone grow, show up as their best self or do something with purpose, comment on it to get more of it: “Appreciate the way you approached me on this.” “That was the best I’ve heard you say that.” “The way you came at that made me feel motivated to help.”
Even people with strong personalities like Elon Musk can be guided to be the best version of themselves. Rather than criticizing, clashing or crumbling when family members, colleagues and other stakeholders trigger emotions within us, take a page from Gwynne Shotwell’s book. Notice it and navigate it. Be a coach.
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