How to Get Your Way Without Imposing Your Will
Much of politics and political discourse today seems to be a display of people imposing their will on others. Rather than diplomacy, reasoning, or the careful navigation of the law, we see force and pressure. Unsurprisingly, this only escalates tensions and mistrust.
I’m embarrassed to admit the number of times I’ve imposed my own will on the people around me. Through sheer force and pressure, I’ve gotten a lot of people to agree with me and a lot of things accomplished. But I’ve also worked for managers—and seen world leaders—who impose their will on people, and the consequences are always the same: It breeds tension, mistrust, and resentment.
Often leaders aren’t even aware that this is what they’re doing. It has been an ongoing project in my coaching work to determine what actually causes a leader to impose their will.
As I’ve studied the issue, one thing has become clear: This isn’t about having strong values, a clear plan, or a firm opinion. In fact, when I am overly sensitive about not imposing my will, I tend to hold back my values, plans, or opinions entirely—and I end up coming across as passive, uncertain, and insecure. Rather than reducing tension, this actually increases the anxiety in the interaction.
In other words, having a strong opinion isn’t the problem, and passivity isn’t the solution.
So, what actually leads to the imposition of will?
It is agitation, impatience, and obstinance.
When your mindset is in one of these three places, you subconsciously signal to others that you are a threat to their autonomy. You might try to mask it with charm or rationale, but if you are feeling agitated or impatient, other people will feel that tension. And that tension has a ripple effect.
Their nervous systems will attempt to resolve that tension by choosing fight or flight. They will power up or shut down. As you get “bigger” in the room, they will either try to match your size, or they will shrink to avoid the conflict.
Think about the last time you escalated tension in a room or felt someone else do it to you. I can almost guarantee that the issue wasn’t the difference in values, plans, or opinions; it was the agitation, impatience, or obstinance with which it was communicated.
In any interaction—between political parties, co-workers, or neighbors—there are bound to be structural differences. The question is, how well can you manage your own agitation?
This requires three things:
- Recognizing your false needs: We often think we need to be right, in control, or approved of. We don’t. Those are not real needs; they are manufactured desires we create to feel safe and secure.
- Regulating your physiology: Through exhaling, relaxing, and slowing down, you can physically release the epinephrine and cortisol that flood your system when those false needs are triggered.
- Leading with questions and suggestions: Sticking to questions rather than assertions and demands helps you take a more dignified, curious posture in the interaction. It is the ultimate display of an Others Orientation.
If we want to fix broken politics and broken societies, we have to start with ourselves. Don’t become passive or avoidant. Hold strong to your values, your plans, and your opinions. Just interact in a way that doesn’t feel imposing.
