How a Culture of Blame Holds People Back
John recently had a high-stakes meeting that did not go well. He became flustered and defensive when the CEO hit him with unanticipated questions and ideas about his team’s status.
John admitted that he didn’t have good answers to the questions. But he also insinuated that the CEO’s questions weren’t relevant (after all, John had thought a lot more about this topic than the CEO had).
The CEO wasn’t impressed.
John explained it away to me later. “Our CEO just has a habit of derailing presentations,” he told me. “I guess I just need to accept that our CEO doesn’t take the time to truly understand an issue before bringing it up in meetings.”
Everything John said about the CEO may be true. But while John is admired for his subject matter expertise and experience, he’s stuck.
Why? Because colleagues are hesitant to challenge his thinking. Because his peers maintain a friendly but guarded posture.
All because John tends to blame others.
John wouldn’t think of it as blame. He’d say he’s just being honest about how other people contribute to a problem. But regardless of what he calls it, it’s holding him back. And it might be holding you and me back at times, too.
What is Blame, and What’s Wrong With It?
Blame is making negative statements about an individual or group that their actions are socially or morally irresponsible. Think of it as the opposite of praise.
A deep set of research cited in Harvard Business Review shows that people who blame others for their problems and issues lose status, learn less, and perform worse compared to those who own up to their contributions to the problem.
Whenever we attribute our problems to our circumstances or the actions of others, we send three messages to the world around us:
- I lack humility. In other words, I have an idealized image of myself and my abilities and I’m not willing to admit that I may be contributing to a problem.
- I am not willing to grow. Rather than having an internal locus of control, I expect the people and world around me to conform to my needs and desires.
- I am searching for enemies. “Enemies” might sound extreme, but that’s how other people perceive blame. When a finger is pointed at them, their brain’s amygdala perceives it as a threat to survival. They must defend!
“All blame is a waste of time,” Wayne Dyer has pointed out. “No matter how much fault you find with another, and regardless of how much you blame him, it will not change you. The only thing blame does is to keep the focus off you when you are looking for external reasons to explain your unhappiness or frustration. You may succeed in making another feel guilty about something by blaming him, but you won’t succeed in changing whatever it is about you that is making you unhappy.”
Put simply, blame never ever has any value whatsoever.
What to Do Instead of Blame
Replace blame with:
- Curiosity: Ask questions and challenge assumptions about what’s contributing to the problem.
- Observation: Instead of interpreting how others contribute to your problems, look and listen objectively to what is being said and what’s happening.
- Expression: Communicate your requests, preferences, and feelings — but be careful not to use blame disguised as a feeling. Saying, “I feel attacked” or “I feel offended” is just blame disguised as a feeling.
And do what my friend Jamie does. Declare that you will have a blameless culture in your workplace, family, and community. Model it, and coach people to stay true to it.
Just don’t blame them when they don’t.
As Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend say, “We live in a culture of blame. People will blame anyone or anything for their misery sooner than take the responsibility to own it and make it better.”
Let’s create a different culture in our relationships, homes, and at work.
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