Do You Absorb, Avoid, or Address Interpersonal Tension?
I am advising a leader right now who has high expectations of others. Someone on her team can’t seem to meet those expectations on a project, and there isn’t much flexibility to upskill, move, or replace them. It is creating tension.
The leader has three choices in the face of this tension: absorb it, avoid it, or address it. What she does, and what you and I do in the face of similar tensions, will define our leadership and integrity.
This leader’s natural tendency is to absorb the problem. “I’ll just compensate for her and do the work myself,” she says, defeated.
Then she goes on to consider, “Perhaps I’m to blame. Maybe my expectations are too high. I don’t want to make this person look bad.”
This is called over-functioning: doing something for someone that they can or should do for themselves. Whether it’s doing the work for them or taking the responsibility for their missteps, over-functioning stunts the growth of the other and elevates the anxiety of the absorber. This leads to an even more dysfunctional system.
Many people avoid interpersonal tension: What if this person gets defensive? Maybe others don’t see it the way I do. This will likely create a bigger conversation that I don’t want to have.
People avoid it because it feels too uncomfortable and hard. And it seems like it could risk the equilibrium that has been established in the broader system. But responses like these lead to pretending, distancing, and ignoring the people and problems. While that can have some constructive effect if everyone can live with the tension, it rarely leads to any growth. And it is usually selfish, focused more on escaping the hardship than dealing with it.
How to Address the Tension and Build Trust
Instead of following her natural tendencies to absorb the problem, or falling into the trap of avoidance, this time around the leader chose to address the tension in a live conversation. Addressing tensions can be hard and awkward, but it will also be maturing and trust-building. Here are some of the things you can do to ensure maximum success:
- Prioritize availability over productivity. Whether the tension involves marriage, parenting, work, family, or friendships, my default response is to fix it as expediently as possible — to put my head down and do it. This leads me to absorb work and avoid things that won’t provide immediate gratification. I’m tempted to answer an email rather than pick up the phone, just do it myself rather than discuss it with another, and fill my schedule with meetings and tasks so I can feel like I’m “getting things done.” To resolve tensions, though, we need to create space.
- Lead with observations versus interpretations. Subjective interpretations usually differ because everyone has their own perspective and narrative. That leads to more and longer-lasting tension. Instead, address the tension with an objective statement of facts and experiences. The leader in this case began with “I heard feedback from our client that they wanted more detailed documentation.” When tension arises, stick with the facts — what you see/saw/hear/heard.
- Clarify your values. Telling someone what you think about them or what you expect of them can create resentment. Conversely, telling someone what you value and prioritize usually leads to understanding. This leader followed her stated observations by sharing, “This is important to me because I want our clients to get what they’re expecting.” The person who wasn’t meeting expectations totally got it.
- Be sincerely curious. It’s easy to over-explain or over-justify yourself when you’re addressing tension. Ask a genuinely curious (not interrogative) question like, “I’m curious what your perspective is on this,” or “How do you think we could make this work?” Open-ended, open-minded questions like these invariably lead to reduced tension. In this case, the person said she didn’t think she could meet the expectations and offered to help the leader to find a replacement on the project.
- Go for a mutual commitment. To know it’s been addressed, ensure everyone involved has agreed to some action that will further reduce the tension. Perhaps that action is further discussion or discovery. Maybe it’s an agreement to change. It might be a shared willingness to continue addressing issues like this in the future. The best chance of gaining a commitment is to: A) make your own commitment without absorbing the other person’s responsibility and B) make a request rather than a demand or declaration about what you think should be done.
Tension is everywhere, and every time it surfaces it is an opportunity to lead and build integrity. Resist the strong desire you may have to absorb or avoid it. Because if you address it, your trust and impact will grow.
What tension do you need to address this week?
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