The Art of the Non-Anxious Yes
There’s an event staring me down on my calendar right now. It’s a heavy time commitment, and I only agreed to attend out of a sense of obligation. I don’t want to disappoint the person who invited me, and to be fair, I’ve come up with a few logical reasons why I should go.
But should I, though?
Meanwhile, I have a rare open weekend ahead, so I’m perusing the latest issue of Mpls.St.Paul Magazine, specifically their list of “102 Things to Do and See This Fall.”
If I could only do one of those 102 things, which one would I pick?
Knowing what to say “yes” and “no” to has been a trending question in many of my recent coaching conversations. One of the greatest challenges of living in a free society is deciding where exactly to allocate your time, money, and attention.
When we overcommit out of obligation, we spread ourselves too thin, leading directly to the rushed, evaporating interactions we want to avoid. Through my leadership coaching and my own life experiences, I’ve developed a 5-step process for calendar discernment that goes something like this:
- Clarify what matters most, now. Especially when I’m rushed, stressed, or tired, I forget my priorities. My brain enters survival mode and either attacks or retreats from whatever is in front of me. That’s why I walk my golden retriever, Happy, around the neighborhood every morning to remind myself of my priorities. (I usually say them out loud under my breath, as if I’m preaching to myself.) While I’m walking, I try to discern what is most important for me to pay attention to that day.
- Schedule time blocks for the proactive activities. I was struck the first time I watched the famous time-management demonstration of sand, pebbles, and rocks being placed into a glass fishbowl. When they were poured in that order, they wouldn’t fit. But when the large rocks went in first, followed by the pebbles, the sand naturally found its place around them. This demonstration is slightly misleading because not everything in life perfectly fits in the bowl. However, it vividly shows how quickly the “sand and pebbles” of life will crowd out the activities that require proactive, intentional effort. You have to schedule your priorities.
- Respond non-anxiously. Good decisions are rarely made from a posture of anxiety and insecurity. The fear of missing out, the false need for approval, or the habit of “should-ing on yourself” (“I really should be doing this…”) typically take you off track and breed resentment. Instead, take a breath and make the best decision you can based on where you feel the most consolation: According to St. Ignatius of Loyola, you feel consolation when you are moving closer to what matters most—even if the task itself is painful or challenging.
- Follow through, but course correct. It is crucial to act with integrity and reliability by doing what you commit to doing. That said, as new information and insights surface, give yourself permission to add, subtract, or modify your commitments. It is often through the act of doing that you become clearer on what you need to do.
- Step back to review. Periodically, you must step out of the demands and distractions of life to re-clarify what you’re aiming toward. It usually requires disconnecting entirely and doing something awe-inspiring—like a purposeful retreat or a pilgrimage, which is an ancient practice of journeying through and to a significant place to remember who you are and what deserves your attention.
As for that event staring me down on my calendar? I think I will go, because ultimately, I feel that sense of consolation. I am making the decision non-anxiously, knowing I have given myself permission to reevaluate whether I want to keep investing my time in this type of event in the future.
What is most valuable for you right now, and what are your time blocks?
