The Infrastructure of Connection: Why Routines Matter
Benjamin Franklin famously worked each week on a different virtue and, even until his dying days, ruthlessly optimized his daily schedule. Charles Dickens ate lunch with his family every day and went for a three-hour walk at the end of each workday. Leo Tolstoy found profound strength in the monotony of his routines, which strictly included breakfast and dinner with his family each day.
After three decades of working, living, parenting, and coaching, I’ve come to believe deeply in the power of routines.
In a world of endless demands and distractions, routines keep us attentive to what matters most. They are the infrastructure that makes Relationship Capital possible. If you rely solely on spontaneous inspiration to connect with your team, your friends, or your spouse, you will eventually find your relationship accounts empty.
Routines are like anchors in the storm of life.
For years, Kari and I have shared a weekly meal (usually lunch on Fridays) together, just the two of us, where we purposefully connect and plan. At work, I have weekly one-on-one meetings scheduled with the people I manage and work with closely, just as they do with their colleagues and direct reports. We also maintain regular team meetings entirely dedicated to connecting, sharing ideas, learning, and discussing strategy.
Setting a routine is easy; keeping it alive is the hard part. Maintaining good routines requires you to be five things:
- Deliberate. People with effective routines don’t make throwaway comments like “We really should get together more often” or “I haven’t spent enough time on that area that I said was important.” They deliberately make things happen. They schedule their priorities. They make time for what matters rather than allowing their days to evaporate into endless requests, interruptions, and minutiae.
- Steadfast. This is one of my favorite words because of its counter-cultural, long-horizon nod to the value of suffering for a cause. Maintaining good routines requires you to sacrifice your immediate gratification, establish boundaries from the anxiety of others, and overcome your own fear of disappointing people. Life will not make it easy to maintain your routines. You must hold the line.
- Strategic. One of the great dangers of a routine is getting lost in the tactical nature of the event. It’s the weekly one-on-one that devolves into a dense download of status updates and problem-solving. Or the date night that becomes overly focused on bills to be paid and scheduling obligations. Good routines require you to see the forest for the trees. You must see the big picture and not lose your priorities in the processes.
- Fully engaged. Another pitfall of routines is that they can become rote. Like reciting the exact same memorized prayer before bed, you can easily forget why you are doing it in the first place. Instead of just going through the motions, you have to practice presence to keep rekindling the emotions. Remind yourself each time you step into the routine exactly why you are there.
- Solidly flexible. In his relationship and family therapy model, Dr. David Schnarch’s first “point of balance” is cultivating a “solid flexible self.” In other words, it is crucial that you are explicitly clear about your preferences, values, and limits, but that you are also willing and able to adjust to the needs and realities of the world around you. Good routines are solid, but your approach to them should be flexible. Move the time block when necessary, make intentional accommodations, and don’t be annoying with your rigidity.
If you want to innovate, create, and connect like Franklin, Dickens, and Tolstoy, you have to keep working on your routines.
How well do your current routines reflect your long-term priorities? What is one routine you could add, subtract, or modify from your week to strengthen your focus on the interactions that matter most?
