6 Ways to Protect the Relationships You Need to Survive

One of my favorite books of 2014 was Escape from Camp 14: One Man’s Remarkable Odyssey from North Korea to Freedom in the West by Blaine Harden. It chronicles the life of Shin Dong-Hyuk, the first person born in a North Korean political prison to get out and tell his story. The turning point in the book happens when he makes his first real friend and experiences selfless kindness. It’s this relationship that allows him to survive and, ultimately, escape.

In a similar vein, Elmer Luchterhand, a sociologist at Yale who interviewed 52 concentration camp survivors shortly after they were released, concluded that “It was in the pairs that the prisoners kept alive the semblance of humanity.”

These stories remind us that pairs are our basic unit of survival.

I’m fortunate to be a part of a pair in the two areas of my life where I spend the most time. My wife and I pair together on being parents, community members and lovers, and my business partner is the other half of my career pair (and happens to be my brother-in-law, so we pair on more than just work). But because I don’t see either pair going away anytime soon, I usually take them for granted.

No wonder I ended last year feeling somewhat distant in both of them.

If the pair is our basic unit of survival, I’m doing both of us a disservice by taking the relationship for granted. So here are some steps I’ve been taking lately to try to turn it around:

1. Saying “I’m sorry.” Ever sincerely apologized for something you weren’t convinced was wrong but you deferred to the judgment of the other person who said they were hurt? There may not be a more difficult exercise for the ego—or a more productive one for the pair.
2. Re-pair-ing the ruptures. In both pairs, we’ve been making the effort to empathetically and objectively look at cracks in the relationship. We’re discovering that most can be traced to one or both of us feeling the other is implying or viewing us in a way that is contrary to how we want to be perceived. Sweeping it under the rug only makes the rupture grow. Strong pairs bring it to light and address it.
3. Asking for help. My wife and business partner each have helped me think through significant decisions recently. I humbly submitted to their guidance and coaching, and they appreciated being able to advise and encourage me, deepening our trust.
4. Saying “No.” Ever said “no” to something you really wanted to do with someone else because you value your pair above the others? It’s hard to let go of the good— but sometimes necessary to experience the great.
5. Honoring cadences. My business partner and I had a rhythm of running together one morning a week and just re-committed to it. My wife and I have committed to going to bed at the same time to stay aligned. Show me a strong pair and I’ll show you two people committed to the discipline of regular connection.
6. Let them in on big things. I’m working through a 7-week life planning exercise that includes looking back at major life events and looking forward to priorities. Carving time to talk about these bigger life concepts in my two pairs has enabled us to transcend the noise of life together.

Pursue and strengthen your pair relationships as though they were your basic unit of survival—because they are.

And they often deliver unexpected benefits. According to Gallup, people with a “best friend at work” are seven times more likely to be engaged in their job.

Who are your BFFs, and what are you doing to protect the pair?

• Tweet
• 
• 

Comments

comments