It’s Not What You Say. It’s How You Say It.
Recently, a friend—someone whose personality is much more direct and skeptical than mine—told me that a project I created was wrong and wouldn’t work. Because of his abrupt, borderline-rude delivery, I immediately shut down and distanced myself from him.
My resentment had nothing to do with whether he was right. It was entirely about the way he said it.
How we say things dictates whether an interaction accumulates trust or evaporates it. This is especially true when we need to bridge differences in priorities or roles.
Take my client Joe. He leads the infrastructure team at a large financial services company. His primary concern is the stability and security of the systems. The president and CFO, however, are incentivized by aggressive quarterly growth. Because these aims are often at odds, Joe’s conversations with the C-suite are intrinsically adversarial.
If Joe and his team aren’t careful about how they communicate, they will be perceived as a roadblock—a cost center to be managed rather than a strategic partner to be consulted.
Through our coaching, Joe and I have focused on refining his delivery to ensure he is building relationship capital, even during tense negotiations.
Here are four key shifts that will improve how we say things so the other party doesn’t disregard what we’re saying:
- Start with Shared Stakes, Not Details: Rather than launching into technical facts or defensive opinions, engage others by naming the shared problem. Joe might begin a pitch to the CFO by saying, “While none of us wants to increase our tech budget right now, we need to ensure system reliability.” You establish immediately that you are on the same side of the table.
- Swap “Have/Do” for “What/How”: Questions that start with is, does, are, or do narrow a conversation into a yes/no corner. Questions starting with what or how expand understanding. Instead of asking, “Do you approve this budget?” Joe asks, “What are your key priorities regarding this system upgrade?”
- Shift from “I/You” to “We/Us”: Inclusive pronouns eliminate oppositional dynamics. “I need you to approve this” sounds like a demand. “Let’s develop a plan for how we can approach this collaboratively” sounds like a partnership.
- Choose Curiosity Over Defensiveness: If you feel challenged, don’t take the bait. Resist the urge to justify yourself (“Well, we were just trying to…”). Take a breath and build momentum with a question. If the CFO pushes back on a timeline, Joe can respond, “Those are concerns worth discussing. Walk me through your ideal timeline…”
Joe works hard to hone his delivery because he knows that his technical expertise, on its own, isn’t enough. What he says matters, but it’s the way he says it that distinguishes him as a valuable partner.
How are you auditing the way you say things?
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