The Casualty of Leading: Feeling Like You Let Someone Down
My wife recently confessed that she was feeling like she’d let others down. I was initially quite surprised. She had just hosted approximately 20 women at an impactful work-related event, and after all the time she put in coordinating invitations, seating, and logistics, the event was a huge success. But what was on her mind the very next night? Concern that she’d left people out.
Feeling Like it’s Never Quite Enough
I could relate. This week I was plagued with the thought that I’m not doing enough. The people I’ve let down, the negative feedback I’ve gotten, the results I haven’t gotten yet…just not enough.
I also hosted an event recently. At first, I thought it could not have gone better. The event was innovative — something I’d never done before. I was exposed and vulnerable in front of the room, feeling eyes study me, but I was encouraged by the positive feedback I received. That boost was fleeting, though. Apparently not everyone attending agreed. And it was the two harsh reviews I received that lasted with me all week.
Perhaps it’s an expected casualty of leadership: feeling like it’s never quite enough.
Leadership is about envisioning what’s possible and inspiring yourself or others to action. The hard part about visionary leadership is that, even after action, a gap remains to what’s possible. And that means good is never good enough.
Focus on the Gain, Not the Gap
I’ve thought about the results I haven’t achieved, the progress I haven’t made, the projects behind schedule, and how disheartened I feel that I’m just not yet where I want to be. I see what’s possible and what goals we’ve set. Why aren’t we there!?
On the day that I was feeling “not enough,” I talked with a friend who runs a wildly successful construction company. His advice to me: Focus on the gain, not the gap.
Focusing on the gain instead of the gap is the only way forward, he said, without abandoning the vision. The way he does it is to look for small wins constantly. What can he do now that wasn’t previously possible? The accomplishments, the growth, the awareness, the consensus, the clarity — these are the wins that make leadership sustainable.
In their book, The Progress Principle: Using Small Wins to Ignite Joy, Engagement, and Creativity at Work, Teresa Amabile and Steven Kramer explain that every day is filled with progress and setbacks. Choosing to focus on the progress leads to greater productivity and a healthier “inner work life.”
They relate the example of James Watson and Francis Crick’s attempt to discover the structure of DNA. In Watson’s 1968 memoir, The Double Helix, he describes the excitement they felt when they thought they’d achieved “breakthroughs.” But when they showed it to colleagues, they found their model didn’t work. Though frustrated, they continued to focus on the incremental progress that had been made until DNA structure had finally been revealed.
Even then, I suspect, they had another larger vision of what could be possible with this discovery. Alas, more gap.
The thing I need to remember is that, in fact, I am never enough. If I am, I’ve lost the vision.
Where do you need to focus on the gain, not the gap?
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