3 Reasons Why You Shouldn’t Talk Too Much
Early in my career, I reported up to a very impatient listener. Occasionally, he would ask me to meet with him, which was always a dreaded request — not because he was mean; he just had the shortest attention span I’d ever experienced.
With my background as a software engineer, I went into those meetings assuming the purpose of me opening my mouth was to give a thorough explanation or response to his questions. I assumed this leader wanted me to be correct and make persuasive arguments.
But he never listened to me for more than 30 seconds before it became obvious that he’d intellectually moved on.
In hindsight, I’m so glad I endured those dreaded meetings, because over time, I learned a valuable skill:
The ability to talk in 30-60 second “chunks.”
Since then, I’ve found through my coaching that this is important, not just when you’re dealing with impatient listeners, but when speaking with just about anyone.
Why People Talk More Than They Should
There are four reasons why people talk more than they should or more than other people want them to. It’s almost always because they are either:
- Emotionally charged. When you’re angry, excited, or nervous, for example, your brain’s limbic system has strong influence over your brain’s other thought processes. This means that the ventrolateral prefrontal cortex (VLPFC), which is your brain’s braking system, is not very effective at getting you to stop talking. Therefore, you need to realize when you’re driving in inclement emotional conditions, so to speak, and be extra careful to hit the brakes if you start skidding off the road with your communication.
- Oblivious. Other times people talk too much because they are clueless that they are talking too much, that there’s an imbalance in verbal contribution, or that the other person doesn’t care what’s being said. This is, at best, lack of self and social awareness, and at worst, a form of narcissistic behavior.
- Controlling. In many cases, people talk too much because it’s a way for them to control the conversation, almost like a filibuster. As a way of keeping the conversation focused on the topics of most interest to the speaker, the speaker will just keep talking. Or as a way of shutting down divergent views, people will continue to impress their talking points to control the thinking of others.
None of these are good reasons, because they don’t build trust and often lead to a breakdown in communication. In fact, it’s very rare that you should ever talk for more than one minute at a time before allowing others to respond, acknowledge, and process.
Talk Like You’re Under the Gun
The best way to not overtalk is to imagine a shot clock or game clock ticking down every time you “get the ball,” just like in several sports as I’ve written about in a past article. Quarterbacks and point guards, for example, know that they need to get the pass off in a short amount of time or they’ll get a penalty. Train yourself to do the same.
One great way to “get the pass off” is to get in the habit of asking invitational questions every 30-60 seconds.
How does that sound?
What do you think?
Reactions?
How do you feel about that?
The Purpose of Communication
The purpose of communication is usually to help others…unless you are paying for them to listen to you, or you are receiving counseling from someone you trust.
If you want to be a good communicator, one who cares about others and makes a positive impact, help people absorb what you have to say.
Be a leader in whatever capacity you lead: as a parent, as a boss, as a colleague, as a salesperson, in customer service, or even as a friend. Remember it’s not about you when you communicate; it’s about whether others understand, accept, and act. So don’t talk more than others want you to.
Will you commit to not over-talking?
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