The Weakest Posture in an Interaction
Several years ago, my marriage counselor shared a piece of wisdom with me that fundamentally shifted how I view communication: Defensiveness is the weakest posture in an interaction.
I saw this play out recently during a presentation at a city council meeting. A consultant was pitching a proposal, and the mayor questioned the data regarding a massive residential price increase. The mayor pointed out that a previous 50% increase already felt punitive to residents, and suggesting another 24% jump was a tough sell.
The consultant’s reaction was immediate. His tone grew firmer, his voice sped up, and he replied, “Unfortunately that’s the point,” before explaining it was intended as a conservation mechanism. When the mayor pressed further—simply asking how the council was supposed to explain these dramatically increased water bills to their constituents—the consultant interrupted him. With an exasperated chuckle and a frustrated tone, he defensively cited data and reminded the room that they had used these pricing tiers in the past.
In that single exchange, the consultant lost his credibility with everyone in the room. He had taken a moment that required leadership and completely evaporated his relationship capital.
Why We Get Defensive
Defensiveness can be a significant barrier to presentation skills and executive presence, and it is an issue that comes up frequently in the coaching I do. Why did this professional react so poorly? It usually comes down to three interrelated triggers:
- The story we tell ourselves: The consultant seemed to misperceive the situation, believing the mayor was opposing or attacking his recommendations. In reality, the mayor appeared to simply be trying to understand and rationalize the numbers. When your internal narrative is “I’m under attack,” your natural response is to defend.
- Our past experiences: It is very plausible that this consultant had been blamed, criticized, or threatened in other professional or personal situations. Those somewhat traumatic experiences can trigger a more emotional response to the current situation.
- Our identity: As explained in the book Difficult Conversations, we often have reactive responses to people and situations that challenge our values or our sense of self. For example, if we believe ourselves to be honest and someone seems to be questioning our integrity, we might have an overreaction to the other person because of the profound disruption to our self-conception.
The Antidote: Moving to Curiosity
How do we mitigate our own defensiveness and stop squandering trust? These three approaches can help, while building stronger relationship equity in the process:
- Self-awareness: Defensiveness is a real blind spot for people, and it needs to be identified through self-reflection, coaching, and feedback. The consultant never seemed to realize how he was coming across, nor did he catch himself to de-escalate the interaction.
- Emotional regulation: Emotional self-regulation is a crucial component of emotional intelligence. When you are flooded with feelings that drive you to become aggressive or passive, take a moment to breathe and manage your feelings so that they do not control you.
- Curiosity: My marriage counselor would add that curiosity is the strongest posture in an interaction. This aligns well with the Ted Lasso approach to leadership and his reference to Walt Whitman in the classic darts scene: “Be curious, not judgmental.”
In short, if you want to build executive presence and credibility, don’t be defensive. Choose to accumulate trust by asking questions rather than building walls.
