Managing Your Inner Critic Amidst Social Interactions
A group of clients and I were casually standing around talking as I impulsively told another funny story. It may have been the third story I’d told them in the time that we’d been talking. They laughed…and then I realized that I was the only one telling stories.
I chided myself:
You shouldn’t try so hard to entertain people. Let others be the center of attention. Your clients expect you to be focused on them not on yourself.
Do you ever feel off balance from the voice in your head telling you that you’re not behaving the way you should?
The Inner Critic
Most people have an inner critic that voices disappointment when they feel they haven’t met expectations or their idealized self.
It can feel like you’re a tightrope walker with an audience shouting at you, making it hard to stay balanced and keep taking steps on the rope toward your objective.
The inner critic can often be most present during or after interpersonal interactions, because humans are “wired” to be included and accepted. The inner critic will commonly despair:
Why did I say that?
What was I thinking?
What will they think of me?
These persistent thoughts can produce social anxiety, reduce confidence and lead to isolation and avoidance.
The Reflected Self
One key driver of the inner critic in social interactions is the reflected self.
It’s very common to interact with others as your reflected (or “pseudo”) self. This means that you are dependent upon the feedback and views of others. It occurs when the response or perceived response from others determines your identity and/or sense of worth at that moment.
Perceived expectations from others come from cultural norms or other values that you’ve developed over time. For instance, you might think you need to:
- Be funny
- Appear capable
- Have the answer
- Act cool and relaxed
- Get along
- Say yes
While these behaviors can be positive and helpful, they can also wear you down with the never-ending (and never fully succeeding) drive to be what you think others want you to be.
The Solid Self
One of the keys to unlocking a freer and more enjoyable interpersonal interaction is to move toward a more solid self.
Having a solid sense of self means that you maintain awareness of your strengths, values, preferences and worth.
The solid self knows what it needs and what it desires, and it can accept and release the real or perceived views of others without being offended or insecure.
Recently I went hiking in southern Utah amidst sweeping canyons and wild rock formations. On some of the canyon walls, you could still see drawings etched from as far back as 1300 AD.
It occurred to me that many people and problems have come and gone while these rocks and canyons change very little.
Despite my flaws, mistakes, and insecurities, the rocks and canyons remain.
I want my sense of self to be a rock, not a reflection.
Shortly after chiding myself for telling too many stories to the group of clients, I had the chance to voice my inner critic to a close friend.
He quickly reminded me that I’m not someone who regularly steals the spotlight. He reminded me that I’m a good listener. He reminded me that my clients really appreciate my presence. And he reminded me that I’m valued and valuable.
He helped me quiet the inner critic and shift from reflected to solid self.
How can you develop a more solid sense of self?
