The Key to Being a Safe Person Who Fosters Safe Relationships
Imagine a flight where the pilot, instead of following standard procedures, decides to do things based on their mood. One day, they might be meticulous with their pre-flight checks, and the next, they might rush through them. Naturally, this unpredictable behavior would make the co-pilot and crew highly anxious! They wouldn’t know what to expect, making it difficult to anticipate problems or communicate effectively.
The predictable, self-regulated behavior of a good pilot is what allows the entire crew to operate as a cohesive, high-performing team in a high-stakes environment.
Consistent behavior is key to keeping any relationship cohesive instead of anxious and confusing.
Yet many leaders, parents, and friends act differently from interaction to interaction, from day to day, based on how they are feeling. If they’re:
- Tired and crabby, they will behave impatiently.
- Frustrated, they will communicate more directly and abrasively.
- Proud and powerful, they will communicate authoritatively.
- Insecure, they will hold back and seek affirmation.
- Anxious, they will try to control people and circumstances.
For example, the CEO of a large tech company was known for his unpredictable emotional state. One day, a project manager presented some bad news about a product launch. The CEO, in a fit of frustration, erupted in disgust at the presentation. The next day, the same CEO praised an employee for a minor success, as if nothing had happened.
This inconsistency created an environment of constant anxiety. Employees were afraid to bring him problems, so they hid bad news until it was too late to fix them. The lack of relational consistency from the top eroded psychological safety, leading to a breakdown in communication and trust.
Inconsistency Reduces Psychological Safety
Research such as Google’s Project Aristotle and Amy Edmondson’s work at Harvard Business School has shown that volatile or inconsistent behavior leads to lower levels of psychological safety, which deteriorates trust and performance.
Edmondson’s research on hospital teams, for example, found that teams with higher psychological safety reported more medical errors. At first, this seemed counterintuitive, but upon closer inspection, she realized that these teams weren’t making more mistakes; they were simply more willing to admit them and talk about them, which is critical for learning and improvement.
A volatile or inconsistent leader stifles this kind of open communication.
Self-Regulation Reduces Inconsistency
Self-regulation, the ability to manage your emotions and behaviors rather than being controlled by them, is a fundamental part of emotional intelligence.
Self-regulation requires self and social awareness to understand what thoughts and feelings are happening inside you that may be impacting your mood and behaviors.
Additionally, self-regulation requires dopamine management. It’s important to manage your physiological condition so that you’re not depleted from lack of sleep, poor nutrition, or overuse of things like alcohol, caffeine, screens, and other short-lasting dopamine sources.
Ultimately, relational consistency is one of the key attributes of a healthy person.
Aviation experts know human error remains a major contributor to incidents. That’s why pilots train rigorously to maintain self-regulation even when dealing with stressful people and situations.
How well are you managing the way your mood impacts your behavior?
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