3 Behaviors to Avoid If You Don’t Want Others to Avoid You
I once worked for a manager who always had me walking on eggshells. He was smart, funny, and caring — seemingly the perfect manager. But there was something about him that always had me on edge, measuring my words and considering my actions.
Have you ever worked with, lived with, or been friends with someone you struggled to relax around?
When you’re overly cautious in an interaction, you don’t think clearly or creatively, and you don’t communicate as compellingly.
For a long time, I assumed that I was the primary problem, that it was my lack of confidence or inability to work well with this manager’s style.
More recently, though, I’ve realized there was something about him that caused me and others to remain guarded.
Looking back, I can see that there are a few behaviors my manager displayed that led to this response from me and others. These are things that I want to avoid in the months and years ahead:
1. Volatility. If you struck a nerve, tripped a wire, or pressed a hot button, his emotional intensity and volume would escalate. It was like being in your car, calmly listening to music in the background, and then a certain song comes on and he cranks up the volume. The problem was, you could never know for sure when he’d crank the volume, and it would become difficult to talk about anything else while he had it blasting. To avoid this, people would distract him from “songs” that might trigger him.
2.Unpredictability. If you caught him on the wrong day or in the wrong moment, you could get an out-of-character response. So while your request might get easily approved on one day, at other times he’d dig into it and rake you through the coals. It was like those wheels you spin in games or at the fair where chance could leave you with a big prize — or a severe penalty. People who worked for him avoided spinning the wheel at all when they could. But if they had no choice, they’d time their requests based on his mood or circumstances. Not a great work practice.
3.Reactivity. If you presented something stressful, agitating, or worrying, he would often “catch” the emotion the way you’d catch a virus. It actually seemed to amplify when he caught it. For example, we once had a significant production issue with a new product release. When I brought the customer complaints to his attention, he became visibly stressed, which led him to get over-involved in production, anxiously micromanaging and prescribing the solution. Deep down, everyone realized his concern was more about alleviating his own anxiety about personal reputational risk than it was about the customers or the company. Because of this, people would try not to tell him about problems that might stress him out. Also not good business practice.
I see a lot of volatility, unpredictability, and reactivity in organizations, families, and on social media. Sometimes I see it in myself.
If we don’t want others to avoid us, hide things from us, or guard themselves around us, we need to change.
Consider joining me this year in becoming more of a non-anxious presence in our interactions. Let’s self-regulate so that others can fully trust us and be their best around us.
In which situations or relationships do you want to better self-regulate this year?
